It’s easy to say I want to quit a certain situation that no longer serves me best. It’s easy to say I’ll abandon something I signed up for just because I feel drained and used. I tell myself I want to just stop showing up and let people wonder what happened to me.
But then, growing up is not that easy, and so the responsibilities that were tapped on my shoulders that I never knew were heavier than what others cautioned me about. I have to withstand something because I’m afraid that once I leave, I’ll only land on even worse opportunities. So I stay, but staying is like being entrapped in a circle of pretentious happiness.
I’m obviously afraid of having regrets, so I deter myself from taking risks. So I deal with the exhaustion until I am squeezed and down to my last energy. I can’t take a pause because someone might take my place and I have nothing to return to anymore. I fear the idea of being led astray more than discovering something new in that confusing loop.
Nobody warned me that life in my twenties could be this heavy, lonely, and overburdened. Nobody warned me that rest is too hard to prioritize these days, because once I do, I’ll only be left behind.
Maybe I am just like those grown-ups with inner child dreads who've never defied them yet. I am tired of doing the things I don’t want to do, but I am also terrified that it’s the only thing meant for me to do. I am so tired of running, but I am also terrified of being stuck.
I know, along this toughful journey, something nice will come to me when the time arrives. It’s just that I am afraid to start from nothing again.
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